I suck.

I really didn't see it coming - how upset she was going to be. I think I thought she'd be so happy I felt the same way she did, that she'd overlook all of the other problems.

At first I thought she was just mad because I'm shallow, but that's not even the issue. She's upset about how I acted when I knew about her feelings and didn't return them. Or returned them but wasn't sure if I was going to do anything about it.

When I left her house on Sunday, she looked so heartbroken and angry, and I felt horrible. Because I did that to her. I hurt her like that.

She keeps throwing the friends word at me - "Maybe we can eventually be friends again."

I don't want to be friends. That's not enough. I know I don't deserve her, but I don't care.

I have to fix this. There has to be a way to fix this.

I went by there last night to see if she wanted to do something, and they were out front on her porch, all over each other. I had to fight the urge to get out of the car and kill him. Clearly, he's just using her. I don't know how she can be so reckless. And it was so tacky of them to just stand there and make out in public. It was like they didn't care who saw them.

I sat there in my car watching for a minute before I realized it was probably a creepy thing to do and drove off, but the image is burned on my brain. I need brain bleach.

You know, it's times like this when I wish I drank.

Melissa called this morning, hysterical, saying they were as good as engaged because Cordy's going home with him for Thanksgiving and what was I going to do about it. I told her it wasn't my place to do anything, but after thinking about it for a few hours I decided to go over there and talk to her - get it all out in the open, make sure she knows how I feel.

We ended up talking about things I didn't really want to talk about. I said all the wrong things, OF COURSE, and now she's furious with me. I don't think I've ever seen her so mad. It sucked.

You know what? I don't even want to write about this. I'm not a good writer and it would take too long to write it out. Our future children will just have to ask their mother what happened.

Because no way am I giving up on her.

This morning my dad started having heart palpitations and went to the ER. Luckily everything checked out o.k. I think my mom aged ten years last night. I'm starting to realize my dad's slowing down, which doesn't seem possible. He's always been this strong, larger than life presence, and I can't imagine anything different.

Good day today at work. We reorganized marketing teams. I ended up with some stellar guys. I think we have a shot at meeting the annual goal set by HQ. Considering the economy, that's huge.

I was impressed by both McCain and Obama last night. McCain's concession speech was impressive. I've been on the fence during the entire election, but I think the country will be in good hands. I'm kind of sad it's over - now I can't tease Cordy by pretending I'm writing in Sponge Bob. (That kind of political apathy drives her up a wall.)

Speaking of... things are good. I think we finally understand each other.

We never talked about anything happened - partly because she's been busy or sick every night, partly because I was out of town. She brought it up last week, but there was never a good time to talk. Melissa called me out of the blue on Sunday - said things with Cordy and Chris weren't serious but they would be soon if I didn't do something about it. That freaked me out a little so I went over there last night.

She was prickly, but warmed up pretty fast. She gets shy whenever I do anything that's not strictly in the friends zone. She's hard to resist when she's vulnerable like that. It's a side of her I almost never get to see. I wish I could. I think I could've taken things further than I did, but I didn't want her roommates to walk in. I could just see it - first kiss in two years and Chris's sister walks in. No thanks.

I have to figure out what my next move is. If she was some random girl I'd just ask her out. But she's not. I can't ask her to get involved with me unless I'm completely, one hundred percent sure it'll work. There's all this history, and once we start something, that's pretty much it: End game.

I got the promotion. According to corporate our team had the best second quarter results of any team in the western region, and they could trace it directly to my performance. It was great to finally get that recognition. I report to someone in the corporate office now, which means my life just got a whole lot less stressful. Maybe I'll even have time to finish my thesis.

I'm looking at cars a lot now. I want a hybrid. I'm leaning toward a BMW 3 series because they're so freaking cheap right now, comparatively.

Cordy's all wrapped up with Chris right now. She jokes around about being into me, then two seconds later she's telling me how awesome Chris is. She tried telling me she was sick all weekend, but every time I drove by, his truck was in the driveway.

The guy's a total opportunist and a manipulator. She's practically an infant when it comes to dating, and I'm worried she can't handle herself around a guy with that much game. It literally makes me want to vomit.